95 Funny told quotes

• My doctor told me I should try anger management classes, and I’m still really pissed at him about it.

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  7 days ago

  anger, anger management, class, doctor, frustration, humor, i, management, me, pissed, should, still, told, try

• The worst person you know is in therapy right now, being told they need to put themselves first.

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  1 week ago

  advice, being, health, humor, ironic, know, mental, mental health, need, person, psychology, put, putting, putting first, right, self-care, therapy, told, worst, Worst Person

• My parents told me Santa wasn’t real when I was 16. Jokes on them, because I’m at the mall right now, and guess who’s here.

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  1 week ago

  16, Christmas, guess, here, humor, i, joke, jokes, mall, me, parent, parents, real, right, Santa, teenager, told

• Not to brag, but my children already knew everything I told them today.

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  1 week ago

  brag, child, children, communication, everything, humor, i, irony, knowledge, parenting, today, told

• I told my daughter to check her attitude, and she responded, “For complaints about attitude, please contact the manufacturer.”

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  1 week ago

  attitude, check, complaint, complaints, contact, daughter, humor, i, manufacturer, parent-child, please, response, told, witty, witty response

• My dad told my sister’s new boyfriend to stand at the end of the picture so he can crop him out whenever she dumps him.

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  1 week ago

  boyfriend, breakup, crop, dad, end, family, humor, joke, new, photo, picture, sister, stand, told, whenever

• (pausing the TV and turning to my kids) Now I want to talk to you guys for a second about what Bart just told that man to do.

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  1 week ago

  Bart, family, guys, humor, i, just, kids, man, parenting, second, talk, told, turning, TV, want

• Can’t believe I spent so many years of my life asking teachers if I was allowed to use the bathroom, and sometimes be told no. What the hell?

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  1 week ago

  allowed, asking, authority, bathroom, believe, childhood, hell, i, life, memory, permission, school, sometimes, spent, teacher, told

• The shrooms told me that we need to get our shit together. That humanity is a bundle of bad habits. I’m headed back in a few weeks, and they need a response from us. What do I tell them?

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  1 week ago

  back, bad, bad habit, bundle, communication, habit, habits, humanity, humor, i, me, message, mushroom, need, psychedelic, response, self-improvement, shit, tell, together, told, us, weeks

• If she forgives you, then 30 minutes later comes back mad again: that means she told her friends in her group chat, and the board of directors did not agree.

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  1 week ago

  30, again, agree, anger, back, board, board of directors, chat, communication, conflict, conflict resolution, directors, forgiveness, friends, group, group chat, humor, later, mad, means, minutes, relationship, resolution, told

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