90 Funny shit quotes

• I want a girlfriend so she can make me do shit like pottery, and I act like I don’t want to go.

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  4 hours ago

  act, activity, date, girlfriend, i, me, pottery, relationship, reluctance, shit, want

• An alcoholic morning show host becoming Secretary of War is some Kurt Vonnegut shit.

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  4 hours ago

  alcoholic, host, humor, kurt, Kurt Vonnegut, morning, morning show host, satire, secretary, Secretary of War, shit, show, vonnegut, war

• Sometimes you need to turn the music up louder and sort your shit out.

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  6 hours ago

  humor, loud, louder, motivation, music, need, problem, problem-solving, shit, solving, sometimes, sort, turn

• Not a gold digger, but the other night a woman told me her grandpa owns a Christmas tree farm. That shit had me rubbing my hands like a fly.

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  7 hours ago

  Christmas, Christmas tree farm, digger, farm, flirting, fly, gold, gold digger, grandpa, hand, hand rubbing, hands, humor, me, night, rubbing, shit, told, tree, woman

• Call me constipated the way I don’t give a shit.

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  8 hours ago

  attitude, call, constipated, expression, give, humor, i, indifference, me, shit, slang

• Shit posting is cheaper than therapy.

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  10 hours ago

  cheaper, coping, coping mechanism, culture, health, humor, internet, internet culture, mechanism, media, mental, mental health, posting, shit, shitposting, social, social media, therapy

• When I’m not posting or returning messages, just know that I’m probably out doing superhero shit.

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  14 hours ago

  doing, excuse, humor, just, know, message, messages, multitasking, posting, returning, shit, superhero

• I used to judge cat owners for giving in to their pets’ whims too easily, but holy shit, these animals are relentless and would starve themselves to organ failure just because one time, weeks ago, they had a taste of some ‘better’ food.

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  15 hours ago

  ago, animal, animals, better, cat, cat owner, easily, failure, food, giving, holy, humor, i, judge, just, organ, organ failure, owner, pet, pets, shit, starve, stubborn, taste, time, too, used, weeks, whim

• Men who tell their woman she’s pretty, for no particular reason, keep that shit up.

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  15 hours ago

  compliment, confidence, flirting, humor, keep, man, men, particular, pretty, reason, relationship, shit, tell, woman

• If we date and break up, you gotta unlearn all my lingo and cool shit that I taught you. You gotta go back to being lame.

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  15 hours ago

  back, being, break, break up, cool, cool stuff, date, dating, humor, i, lame, lingo, relationship, shit, slang, stuff, taught

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