109 Funny us quotes

• US etiquette question: Do you need to tip the guy at the border who reads your last five years of social media history?

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  3 weeks ago

  border, etiquette, five, guy, history, humor, last, media, need, question, social, social media, tip, us, US etiquette

• Prison pen pal doesn’t want us to write each other anymore. Finds my life too depressing.

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  3 weeks ago

  communication, depressing, finds, friendship, humor, letter, life, pal, pen, pen pal, prison, too, us, want, writing

• Can you imagine if AI ever evolves into trying to kill us, and the thing that saves us is one of Cloudflare’s outages?

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  3 weeks ago

  AI, AI evolution, apocalypse, Cloudflare, ever, evolution, fail, humor, imagine, internet, internet outage, joke, kill, outage, survival, tech, tech fail, technology, thing, trying, us

• Someone just honked to get me out of my parking spot faster… so now I have to sit here until both of us are dead.

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  3 weeks ago

  both, dead, driving, faster, frustration, here, honk, humor, i, impatience, just, me, parking, parking spot, rage, road, road rage, sit, someone, spot, stubbornness, traffic, us, waiting

• The reason most of us stay up late is because we don’t want our free time to end, and tomorrow to start.

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  4 weeks ago

  bedtime, end, free, free time, late, management, most, night, procrastination, reason, sleep, start, stay, stay up late, time, time management, tomorrow, us, want

• The shrooms told me that we need to get our shit together. That humanity is a bundle of bad habits. I’m headed back in a few weeks, and they need a response from us. What do I tell them?

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  1 month ago

  back, bad, bad habit, bundle, communication, habit, habits, humanity, humor, i, me, message, mushroom, need, psychedelic, response, self-improvement, shit, tell, together, told, us, weeks

• Women only want one thing, and it’s the power to cast men who tell us to smile right into a pit of giant venomous serpents.

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  2 months ago

  cast, empowerment, gender, giant, humor, man, men, only, pit, power, right, sarcasm, serpent, smile, tell, thing, us, venomous, venomous serpent, want, woman, women

• Hotel elevators are hell for those of us who are small-talk failures. The guy asked me, “You just get in today too?” and I said, “Well, no,” then stood in silence.

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  2 months ago

  anxiety, asked, awkward, awkward moment, awkward silence, conversation, conversation fail, elevator, elevator ride, fail, failures, guy, hell, hotel, hotel elevator, humor, i, just, me, moment, ride, said, silence, small, small talk, social, social anxiety, talk, today, too, us, well

• I’m old enough to remember when the hole in the ozone layer killed us all off.

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  2 months ago

  age, apocalypse, change, climate, climate change, disaster, enough, environmental, environmental joke, exaggeration, hole, humor, joke, killed, layer, memory, old, old age, ozone, ozone layer, remember, survival, us

• Our parents are going to be shocked when they find out that most of us are serious about not getting married.

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  2 months ago

  commitment, getting, going, marriage, married, most, parent, parents, serious, shock, shocked, us

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