If you want to complain about my driving at least calm down and get off my hood first.

If you want to complain about my driving at least calm down and get off my hood first.

Commentary:
"Hey, if you're gonna critique my driving, do it from a safe distance – like the sidewalk! 🚗💨 Just saying, it's hard to focus on road rage when you're riding my car like a hood ornament! 😂 #DrivingDrama"

Fundamentally, I understand chess, because I too would never let my king feel unsafe.

Fundamentally, I understand chess, because I too would never let my king feel unsafe.

Commentary:
"Ah, the king – that regal centerpiece of the chessboard, demanding only the finest bodyguard service! 👑♟️ No surprises here, I mean, who in their right mind would want their ruler to break into a cold sweat during a game of strategic warfare? Checkmate anxiety, anyone? 😂 #RoyalPriorities"

To be fair, a dumpster is like one of the safest places to have a fire.

To be fair, a dumpster is like one of the safest places to have a fire.

Commentary:
"Let's be real, if you're gonna set something on fire, might as well make sure it's contained in a dumpster, right? 🗑️🔥 Safety first, folks! 😂"

I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.

I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.

Commentary:
"Who said burglars can't be considerate houseguests? 😅 Keeping your valuables by the front door – just in case your uninvited midnight visitors need a quick exit strategy! 🚪💰 #Priorities"

A big part of my job as a parent is moving things away from the edges of countertops.

A big part of my job as a parent is moving things away from the edges of countertops.

Commentary:
"Parenting: where you become a master at playing 'Move It Before It Falls' on expert mode! 🤹‍♂️🚼 #ParentLife"

The more you weigh, the harder you are to kidnap.  Stay safe, Eat cake.

The more you weigh, the harder you are to kidnap. Stay safe, Eat cake.

Commentary:
"Here's a deliciously logical excuse to indulge in cake 🍰 – safety first! Remember, a little extra fluff can be your best defense against being whisked away 🍰🦸‍♂️. So go ahead, treat yourself to some cake and build your own personal fortress! Stay safe, stay sweet! 💪🍰 #CakeIsLife"

I wear sunglasses when I'm driving so nobody knows I'm asleep.

I wear sunglasses when I’m driving so nobody knows I’m asleep.

Commentary:
"Ah, the perfect disguise for those unexpected road-side naps! 😎💤 Just remember, sunglasses won't hide the fact that your head keeps bobbing up and down like a yo-yo on that steering wheel! 😄🚗 #NapTimeAnywhere"

At my age, Iโ€™m worried about tripping and falling, so I wear a helmet. Iโ€™m also worried about looking ridiculous, so I carry a skateboard.

At my age, Iโ€™m worried about tripping and falling, so I wear a helmet. Iโ€™m also worried about looking ridiculous, so I carry a skateboard.

Commentary:
"Life's all about balance, right? 🤷‍♂️ Protecting your noggin while keeping it stylish with the skateboard accessory – who says we can't have it all! 🛹😄 Just remember, if you do end up taking a tumble, at least you'll be prepared to ride it out in style! 🤪🤾‍♂️"

โ€œDonโ€™t shoot your gun at the hurricaneโ€ the government says. Iโ€™ll do my own research, thanks.

โ€œDonโ€™t shoot your gun at the hurricaneโ€ the government says. Iโ€™ll do my own research, thanks.

Commentary:
"Who knew hurricanes had beef with bullets? 🤷‍♂️ Better stick to researching weather patterns instead of playing Weatherman Rambo! 🌪️💥 #ScienceVsStorms"

Wearing a condom while she's on birth control is called two-factor authentication.

Wearing a condom while she’s on birth control is called two-factor authentication.

Commentary:
"Protecting your data… I mean, genes, with double the security! 🔒👶 #SafetyFirst #TechSavvyParents"