86 Funny means quotes

• Apparently, all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep, which means he’s already a lot like me.

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  1 week ago

  apparently, baby, eat, family, humor, laziness, lot, me, means, nephew, new, personality, resemblance, sleep, wants

• If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom, then I am absolutely nailing it.

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  1 week ago

  absolutely, am, anxiety, being, dark, dark humor, day, death, doom, existential, existential humor, health, humor, humor about death, i, last, live, means, mental, mental health, procrastination, sarcasm, self-deprecating, sense

• 89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great, what he really means is, “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”

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  1 week ago

  ago, communication, daily, daily life, five, great, humor, husband, i, leave, life, marriage, me, means, minutes, relationship, sarcasm, time, timing, wife

• Adulthood means trying to convince yourself that the font is just too small and that it isn’t your eyesight going bad.

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  1 week ago

  adulthood, aging, bad, convince, eyesight, font, font size, going, humor, just, means, self-deception, size, small, too, trying, yourself

• Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids, knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.

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  1 week ago

  cheeseburger, choice, diet, eat, family, food, food choice, food preference, front, fruits, honesty, humor, humor quote, just, kids, knowing, life, means, parent, parent life, parenting, parenting struggle, preference, pretend, struggle, vegetables

• At my age, getting up early just means that I had to go pee, and I couldn’t hold it anymore.

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  1 week ago

  age, bathroom, early, getting, hold, humor, i, just, life, means, morning, pee

• My new phone is being delivered by Amazon, which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.

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  1 week ago

  Amazon, before, being, day, delivery, digital, five, humor, i, means, mine, new, phone, privacy, sarcasm, surveillance, technology, track, tracking

• Welcome to your fifties. Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine, and chicken noodle soup.

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  1 week ago

  age, aging, chicken, chicken noodle soup, cold, cold medicine, fever, fifty, health, humor, humor about age, means, medicine, night, noodle, rest, retirement, Saturday, Saturday Night Fever, soup, welcome

• The fewer friends at your birthday party means more cake for you. Follow me for more life hacks.

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  1 week ago

  birthday, cake, celebration, follow, friends, friendship, fun, hack, humor, joke, life, life hack, me, means, party

• I’m officially at the age where going out on the weekend just means I’m running errands.

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  1 week ago

  adulting, age, errands, going, humor, just, means, routine, running, weekend, where

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