Funny quotes times

57 Funny times quotes

Being a woman is trying to guess what the hell is going on with your body three times a week.

4 days ago

I miss when The Weeknd made haunted strip club music. Didn’t know how good I had it.

1 week ago

Getting paid 26 times in 365 days is not my destiny.

3 weeks ago

For years I thought an oncologist was just the doctor they kept on-call at all times.

3 weeks ago

Call a girl beautiful 1000 times and she won’t notice. Call her fat once and she will never forget. That’s because elephants never forget.

1 month ago

A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop.

1 month ago

I be skipping everyone’s stories but watch mine like 20 times.

1 month ago

Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down.

1 month ago

That awkward moment when you’ve said “What?” three times, so you just say “Oh, yeah..” even though you have no idea what they said.

2 months ago

Sometimes I just want someone to hug me and say “I know it’s hard, but you’ll be okay. Here’s a coffee and a million dollars.”

2 months ago

Sometimes I don’t worry about things at all and other times I am awake.

2 months ago

We’re living in increasingly unfergalicious times.

2 months ago

Let the good times roll. Let the bad times crawl. Let the acceptable times do the hopscotch.

2 months ago

Three out of five times, my intuition is right. Not in casinos, though.

2 months ago

We should all start texting each other like old time explorers. ‘Dearest friend, I have survived another week. The horrors persist.’

3 months ago

It’s called a Caesar Salad because you stab it a bunch of times when you eat it.

3 months ago

If I was polyamorous, I think Id date my girlfriend three times.

3 months ago

Man, these end times are taking forever.

3 months ago

I like riding by myself so I can replay 1 song 111 times with no complaints.

3 months ago

Going to work has backfired on me so many times.

3 months ago

Forgetting your phone at home is the modern equivalent of leaving your sword behind in medieval times.

3 months ago

I ran out of toilet paper so I had to start using old newspapers. The Times are rough.

3 months ago

The train announcer just said we should keep our personal belongings with us at all times but I’ve left most of mine at home.

3 months ago

Waking up has backfired on me so many times.

3 months ago

I don’t always push on pull doors but when I do, I do it two or three times to confirm how dumb I really am.

3 months ago

Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.

3 months ago

I was brought up in the wild by hyenas. Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.

3 months ago

Just gonna drink light beers today, because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 30 times.

3 months ago

Men, it’s really simple. We want everything, but nothing, at the same time or different times, sometimes but not always.

3 months ago

How I flirt? I look at an attractive person several times and hope that they are bolder than me.

3 months ago