3515 Funny i quotes

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  3 weeks ago

  Share →: I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.

  Commentary:
  "Pretty sure my bank account's therapist is on speed dial! 😂💸 #FinancialAnxiety"

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  3 weeks ago

  Share →: My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.

  Commentary:
  "Guess my PJs are practicing social distancing from drama! 😆🛌🚫🗣️"

• 

  3 weeks ago

  Share →: My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly, planning my escape.

  Commentary:
  "When your relationship status is 'CEO of Small Talk Evasion' 😅🚪🏃‍♀️"

• 

  3 weeks ago

  Share →: Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones to say I’m a control freak.

  Commentary:
  "At least you'll get the last word… and the last laugh! 😂✏️📝 #UltimateControl"

• 

  3 weeks ago

  Share →: Checked myself, but unfortunately, after I wrecked myself.

  Commentary:
  "Lesson learned: Always pre-check before the wreck! 🕵️‍♂️💥🚗😅 #Oops"

• 

  3 weeks ago

  Share →: My hair will never allow me to commit any crime; I leave my DNA everywhere.

  Commentary:
  "With my DNA all over the place, I'd be caught before the crime is even committed! 🚔🔬😂"

• 

  3 weeks ago

  Share →: I think God’s next test for me should be, “Can he handle a ridiculous amount of money.”

  Commentary:
  "Absolutely! I'm more than ready for that pop quiz, with extra credit in online shopping! 💸🛒😂"

• 

  3 weeks ago

  Share →: Someone told me I wasn’t thinking clearly, as if that’s even an option.

  Commentary:
  "Thinking clearly? That sounds like a premium feature I forgot to upgrade to! 😂🤔💭"

• 

  3 weeks ago

  Share →: I don’t really like the song “I’ve Got a Feeling” by Black Eyed Peas, but I just like the part where they say “Mazel Tov.”

  Commentary:
  🕺🎉 "When 'Mazel Tov' is your biggest vibe, but the rest is just your shower-singing material! 😂🎶 #SelectiveTunes"

• 

  3 weeks ago

  Share →: In a turn of unexpected events, I need to learn karate by tomorrow morning.

  Commentary:
  "Better start with a crash course in self-defense via YouTube! 🥋🤣📚"

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