31 Funny 5 quotes

• I sexually identify as a microwave dinner, because I am ready in 5 minutes, look nothing like my photos, and I’m just satisfying enough for you to want me again when you’re desperate.

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  3 weeks ago

  5, again, am, appearance, dating, desperate, desperation, dinner, enough, humor, i, identify, identity, just, me, microwave, microwave dinner, minutes, nothing, photos, ready, ready in 5 minutes, satisfaction, sexual, sexual identity, want

• Tech bro obsessed with “storytelling,” but hasn’t read a book in the last 5 years.

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  1 month ago

  5, book, bro, humor, irony, last, obsession, read, reading, storytelling, tech, tech bro

• It would be cool if, after you died, you could see the top 5 times you almost died.

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  1 month ago

  5, after, afterlife, almost, cool, death, died, event, experience, humor, life, life event, near-death, near-death experience, reflection, surprise, times, top

• When you realize a 9 to 5 is actually an 8 to 7, since you cannot teleport to work.

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  1 month ago

  5, 8, 9, actually, commute, hours, humor, job, management, realize, teleport, teleportation, time, time management, work, work hours

• The whole “read before you go to bed to get sleepy” thing does not apply to me because I will be up till 5 a.m. if the book is worth it.

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  1 month ago

  5, am, bed, bedtime, before, book, humor, i, insomnia, late, late night, me, night, night owl, owl, procrastination, read, reading, sleep, sleepy, thing, whole, worth

• A man will beg you to take him back just to act right for 5 days and 24 min.

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  2 months ago

  5, act, act right, back, beg, comeback, days, humor, just, man, relationship, right, take, time

• Winter is actually awesome because if you put on a couple of movies at 5 p.m., it’s already pitch black and the evening is super long, so it feels like you’re staying up til 2 a.m., but in reality, it’s only 11 p.m. 10/10!

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  2 months ago

  2, 5, actually, am, awesome, bedtime, black, couple, cozy, evening, feels, humor, movie, night, only, perception, pitch, put, reality, staying, super, time, time perception, winter

• When a girl says “5 mins,” think about it like five minutes left in the 4th quarter, and both teams have all their timeouts.

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  2 months ago

  4th, 5, analogy, basketball, both, estimate, five, girl, humor, left, minutes, quarter, sports, sports analogy, Teams, think, time, time estimate, timeout

• The gap in my resume is because I was trying to reach enlightenment for 5 years.

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  2 months ago

  5, break, career, career break, enlightenment, gap, humor, i, job, job gap, meditation, reach, resume, resume gap, self-improvement, trying

• Book reviews be like: “5 stars. I’m sobbing. I’m unwell. I haven’t eaten in 16 hours. Highly recommend.”

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  2 months ago

  5, book, book review, eaten, eating, eating habit, emotional, emotional reaction, exaggeration, habit, hours, humor, i, rating, reaction, recommend, recommendation, review, reviews, stars, unwell

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