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10,000+ funny quotes

157 Funny everyone quotes

For my birthday, I want everyone to tell me how much they love me and why in immense detail.

3 months ago

To everyone I’ve wronged this year. Next year same time, same place.

3 months ago

Dear people who talk on speakerphone out in public. Everyone around you hates you.

3 months ago

Saw a shooting star and made a wish for everyone to stop talking to me.

3 months ago

“Careful. It’s slippery!” – Everyone, after you’ve already slipped.

3 months ago

Ain’t nothing better than knowing you were right when everyone else thought you were crazy.

3 months ago

Everyone should be more grateful for what I don’t say.

3 months ago

Hosting Thanksgiving? Bring up politics so everyone will leave early.

3 months ago

Yes, I do talk to myself, everyone else just wants to argue with me.

3 months ago

Pets can’t talk but everyone loves them. This is not a coincidence.

3 months ago

Everyone you know is fighting battles you don’t know about, except for my neighbor who just can not shut up about his battles.

3 months ago

Because of my looks, everyone only wants one thing from me, that I leave them alone.

3 months ago

I slept like a baby, knowing I’m a burden to everyone around me.

3 months ago

My favorite things about Twitter are that everything you read is true, everyone is nice, and all intentions are pure of heart.

3 months ago

If you wake up early enough, you can go back to sleep for a few hours. Not everyone knows this.

3 months ago

I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep everyone away, whatever their profession.

3 months ago

Stop blaming everyone for all of your problems. Pick the one person you really hate and blame them for everything.

3 months ago

The worst part of getting struck by lightning is everyone seeing your skeleton.

3 months ago

Everyone is a genius until they try to use someone else’s microwave.

3 months ago

Glasses don’t make you look smart, everyone knows you had to fail a test to get them.

3 months ago