2018 Funny me quotes

• I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later, my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.

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  1 month ago

  boss, caught, i, kid, kids, later, me, minutes, office, outside, pot, prank, smoking, smoking pot, workplace

• Lady just asked me what “mansplaining” is. I think it’s a trap. We’ve been staring at each other in silence for half an hour.

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  2 months ago

  asked, awkwardness, communication, conversation, dating, half, hour, humor, i, just, lady, mansplaining, me, misunderstanding, silence, staring, think, trap

• Professor: Most of you won’t pass this course. Me: Cool, so you’re like, real shitty at your job.

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  2 months ago

  cool, course, education, fail, humor, insult, job, me, most, pass, professor, real, sarcasm, student

• The shrooms told me that we need to get our shit together. That humanity is a bundle of bad habits. I’m headed back in a few weeks, and they need a response from us. What do I tell them?

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  2 months ago

  back, bad, bad habit, bundle, communication, habit, habits, humanity, humor, i, me, message, mushroom, need, psychedelic, response, self-improvement, shit, tell, together, told, us, weeks

• The way Christmas shopping expects me to have money right now is, honestly, disrespectful.

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  2 months ago

  Christmas, disrespect, disrespectful, expectation, finance, holiday, humor, me, money, right, sarcasm, shopping, spending

• Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service? Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.

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  2 months ago

  apology, communication, customer, customer service, fault, good, humor, interview, interviewer, job, job interview, me, sarcasm, service, skills, things, want, well, why, work, work skills

• “We’re the only species that drinks milk after infancy, dairy is bad for you!” We’re also the only species that drinks peach mango pineapple spirulina kale smoothies, Karen. Let me eat my cheese in peace.

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  2 months ago

  after, bad, cheese, dairy, drinks, eat, health, humor, infancy, kale, Karen, let, mango, me, milk, only, peace, pineapple, smoothie, specy

• A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So, in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.

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  2 months ago

  better, competition, cycling, cyclist, faster, humor, i, me, run, shark, speed, swim, triathlon

• Watching my wife absolutely hate my daughter’s boyfriend while being nice and hospitable to him has made me question every interaction I’ve had with another human being in my life.

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  2 months ago

  absolutely, another, awkward, awkward interaction, being, boyfriend, daughter, every, family, hate, hospitality, human, humor, interaction, life, me, nice, question, relationship, watching, while, wife

• Many people love saying, “Get these away from me,” after eating a few chips.

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  2 months ago

  after, away, chip, chips, craving, eating, food, humor, love, me, people, reaction, saying, snack

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